Well, i haven’t written for a long time now, i was trying to tune myself, just like the guitar strings needs to be tuned before it hums in the right frequency. I realized that i am a happy and excitable person, and trying to feel like a serious and tough guy is not my thing. I can do that when i need to, but i cannot put on that face all the time.
I realized that my physical conditions has a lot to play with my emootional well being as well. When i get proper sleep and rest, my mood is generally happy than when i am lethagic and tired and sleep deprived. I think i am my most intriguing subject of interest. I have been able to play with my own feelings without feeling detached from them, All i know is i change quite freqently and when i change, i encounter my own self from the past.
I still believe that life has a lot to offer and will let me experience a lot more than what i have been able to do so far. Around last year, i thought that i was stuck. And sometimes i feel like, i have already written down these things somewhere. I have started writing again in paper, cause it made me feel like i can analyze my writings and the pressure points and everything in between and it has been so great to see the changes that i have been able to notice.
I don’t know if i have been searching too much for deeper feelings and meanings of life, but sometimes i hope that i can prove a theory like newton and show it to people and say, science bitches!
Anyways,, i was suppose to write about distractions and now i have been writing about something or anything other than that. I realize that i am also one of the guys who reads the headlines and thinks that he has understood all of the news. I would definitely try to change that, these are my late night thoughts, and when you have too much time to think then you end up thinking about the thought itself. I think that’s how the first philosophers came into existence. But anyways, i am incomprehensible.
People have been telling me that i speak so softly that they can barely hear me speak. I don’t know how i became the guy who spoke so rude on the phone on his teenage years to being the guy who is such a soft speaker. Maybe it has something to do with the language itself. I am not really sure, cause my thoughts and opinions are generally based on my past where i used nepali a lot, and now i have been thinking in english a lot. It’s good though, i have made peace with myself.
I also started noticing the changes within my throat when i am sleep deprived. Good news is, i have been keeping track of my drinks and i tend to get less drunk nowadays. It has helped me feel good the next day. But sometimes i wish i had get so drunk that i would have a reason to have a shitty morning the next day.
Hangovers used to be productive in the past, now i just feel tired and not like myself. Maybe i have ran out of things to think when i am in hangover, because most of the deep down thoughts are already in the surface. I might never know about it as well. I used to write about profound things in the hangover, now i think there are all the thoughts that i have analyzed, twisted it and turned it and now i cannot really think about anything new.
There is less and less new ideas, and my thoughts has gone really rigid and less vivid. I am more interested in experiencing new things and feelings than thinking about an original thoughts. And i know whom to blame it for, probably dominoes. It’s like before you had sex, it was just a fantasy and imagination and it could be like anything but then once you have it, you start comparing it with the best one that you had and it’s not possible to have the best sex everytime and you cannot really do anything about it so you make peace with it. It’s just the same with the feelings we have and we catch in our everyday lives.
We just tend to live in our memories or afterthought, or worries about our future than living in the present moment and not really thinking about useless nonsense. I have graduated and have less responsibilities from work as well, and now with all of those free time, i am just wasting it in thinking or watching movies. It’s not a bad thing, but i like to be busy and productive as well. And i think these are distractions along with girls. I kinda hated it when i was dating around 3/4 years back and all i did was text all day and night. It felt great at first until you realize that you have wasted two years of your life and you know how this thing is going to end up and stop enjying the thing and start conspiring to get rid of that person from your life and it took next six months to do just that.
Well, these are all the distractions that i have and i have some more as well. I think i know what has been bothering me now, i have not been able to learn any new skills or somthing creative and it is making me feel stagnant. They say you need to have three kind of hobbies, one for your creativity, one to make money and one to make yourself happy. I think drinking, partying, dancing and singing is my happy hobby. I am making some money as i am working as well, but i have not been able to learn anything from that job and i think my values have been misplaced.
(I am listening to beethoven and my mind wants to catch up with the tune of his piano, as my hands have been typing to the beats that is being played and since i am not really that proficient i cannot really think about the issues here.)
So, right now i am trying to learn typescript and react, sometimes i wanna quit this shitty programming job that has no end, there’s end less learning and after some years they will update it and all the things that you have learned so far goes in vain. Like jQuery, every websites used it back in 2014, and now with the new set of languages and libraries, it is becoming obsolete. And that’s the shitty party about being in this IT field you know, you need to be updated all the time, whereas your brain cells and your neurons are starting to die. i cannot believe that some people are just stuck in the same rut for 15 years until they realize that it’s too late to switch careers, and they become irrelevant and get stuck in the same company for the rest of their lives.
I want change, but i want the changes in my own way, the changes that i like and i can control. I am willing to skip few nights of sleep to get some better reward for the future. I just realized that my willingness to change job is also the change that i am craving for, maybe change of scenarios and change of company, i miss working with people to be honest. For the past two years, i have been working alone and getting all the answers from the computers. It gets boring after some time, after all we are all social animals. I don;t know how people who call themselves introvert could do that so easily like they have never felt the joy of being with people and sharing happiness together so they just think that they are happy because that’s the level that they are in right now.
I kind of like it when the thoughts start flowing when i start writing and it helps me channel all of my frustrations and thot into words. I keep on explaining to people that i like writing, but not reading the things that i have written. It’s true, i plan to do that in the last stages of my life, and share the stories with my grand kids and stuffs. Well, there are more stories to create and to tell, everyone i know thinks that my life is exciting and high tension-ed. It also means that i have seen a lot of negativity and a lot of sad times in my life, people are just jealous of me travelling all the time, but it’s not really possible to be excited about travelling all the time you know. Some days are not the same as the other days, sometimes you just have to cope up with racist chants and angry people whose job is to make your life miserable cause they cannot make their lives happier.
But, anyways, as my friends say i am always complaining about everuthing in life whereas i don’t appreciate the good things i have. I am happy you know but i cannot really show my happiness, and i tend to repress it, cause not all the people have the best job and best family and a lot of different things to worry about that i cannot ever imagine. And me, trying to tell them yeah, look at me, listen to my travel plans, stories and be happy for me is not going to help me in any ways. It is just going to make them feel sad and it’s not really my thing to make people sad so i just sit quietly and smile and just don’t say a lot about my life and my travel plans. Because as soon as i tell them about my achievements, it sounds like i am bragging, and when i don’t talk about those things, it sounds like i am complaining.
Well, my roomate has been sitting idle for the past four years, and i can only imagine being him. I have deep respect for people who can just hold on to things until they get better. For me, if i am not doing anything to keep myself distracted, then it just becomes too bothering and i get really frustrated. Maybe someday i will learn about these things as well. There’s a lot to learn from people than books, and when i travel i tend to learn from people from different walks of life as well.
Well someday, people will say that i got what i deserved and i am totally a believer in karma. suffering is inevitable, one can only lessen it by accepting it and desiring less and craving less, even the desire to lessen the suffering is not really going to help. Sometimes, just accepting situations that we have no control of, and letting the time heal the wounds helps.
But then i should be learning something right now than telling what i should not be doing. That’s all folks, i am going to sign off and go and find something productive to do. I hate this mobile phone, it has become a habit of just double tapping the screen to ulock through my face, and then tap on chrome and then browse anything unnecessary. like facebook, reddit and imgur, I am still following horoscopes, can you imagine that, although it holds no meaning to me anymore, it’s good to read about myself sometimes, cause people don’t really tell me a thing here. People are just quiet.
I was planning to build a model of people and their thoughts disbalance like the bubble in the level. I need to draw it, i have the notebook that i bought in the philippines in my bag right now, and i am going to draw the 3d model of the thoughts and it changes, it looks kind of similar to the black hole, although i can only perceive it in 2d right now, cause higher order equations are really confusing to solve.